Identity

I am my mom’s sense of humor, my dad’s drive to make a difference, my sisters’ shoulder to lean on, my brother’s wingman. I am my own worse enemy, the socially awkward girl in class but the life of the party with the familiar. I am too old for my age but too young for the world. I have no idea who I am, but the important thing about me is that I know who I want to become. 

My ethnological research topic is on Open Mic Night at the Mustache Cafe or Potbelly’s. Music is my passion. It also scares the shit out of me, it always has. I’ve danced solos in front of hundreds of people, recited poems, been leads in plays; but when it comes to singing a song in front of even just one person I will piss my pants. There’s a deep rooted fear that what I have to say will not be accepted. When I do bring myself to perform the backstage process is a mess. I have intense panic attacks and have been prone to fainting; but once I’m on stage the audience would never know. Thank God for blessing me with a good poker face. I have won multiple singing competitions and have even been a featured artist on a rap track singing the hook, but no matter how many times I perform the battle with in myself never subsides.

That is why I have such utter respect(and envy)  for artists who can just get up and perform instantaneously. I plan to observe and interview these artists to see what goes into their emotional thought process before performing their original songs. Fear of rejection rules my mind before shows which cripples my willingness to perform. I want to see if this project can not only help me but also gain a right to consider myself part of the amateur musician community.